Good Music !

I walked so far with Shadow today! It was amazing, but next time I will definitely wear different shoes - my feet hurt by the end ! Today I was rocking out to: The Mamas and the Papas Medicine for the People The Carpenters

Filter Systems and Relationships

I start this post with a quote:

"I talk a lot about clearing out our filter system in order to change our lives. Filter systems literally filter out certain information and in the process distort reality.

We either act or react to life. When we react we generally get results that are less than favorable.  It is only when we choose to act in a way that is consistent to what we want to create that we are truly free.

Be aware of your filters, be willing to change them and move toward greater and greater freedom.  The less we filter our reality the more we get to savor everything.

With love and aloha,
Susan"

Susan Gregg writes beautiful, thought-invoking daily
reflections which you can subscribe to HERE :) 


If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that I am actively trying to change the filter systems that no longer work for me and allow me to create a happy, abundant, free life. I usually refer to them as belief systems.

The belief (filter) systems I am most interested in letting go of, are the ones through which I hold on to insecurity.

"I am not good enough"

"I need _________ sort of body to be beautiful."

"I need to do __________, ___________,and _____________ to be accepted by others."

"I need to be accepted by others."

When I start changing these filter systems into ones that allow me to live a more free life, I notice that I often face having to let go of certain relationships that I had while holding limited belief (filter) systems.

Friends that I only used to drink with don't seem that fun anymore when I stopped drinking, and the friendships that lasted where clearly based on more than just drinking shenanigans.

Intimate relationships based mostly on the body or sex quickly began to seem like a complete waste of time.

It's probably because I haven't accepted myself as I am 100% yet, but I still buy into the filter system that tells me I have to look a certain way to be happy in a relationship (with a guy.) I KNOW that I shouldn't try to be anyone I'm not, especially for someone else, but I guess I'm still insecure about my body.

Sigh. There is probably a reason most of my former relationships where so unfulfilling   -  they where based on first, physical attraction, and second (if at all), emotional/mental connection.

I really think that in a relationship that both people are going to be happy in, the emotional and mental connection needs to come first, or at least be in balance with the physical connection.

Connecting on the physical level is so much easier though, because if you are "lucky" to be attractive (or can make yourself so) according to current popular ideas of attractiveness, finding someone to relate to is super easy. But superficial relationships suck, dude!

Anyways. I know I just need to work on being totally OK with being myself, and then the right friends and relationships will be easy to find. How can I expect to connect with someone on a deeper level when I have trouble being honest with myself a lot of the time?

So, to get back to those statements (belief/filter systems) I stated earlier, I will now change them to ones that I believe are of better use for me to believe.

"I am good enough, always."

"I accept my body at all times as it is :) My body is the vehicle for my consciousness and so I should seek to keep it healthy (strong, flexible, and nimble, fast, enduring) while disregarding popular opinion of beauty."

"I am myself and honest at all times, in front of myself, and others."

"I only need acceptance from myself."















Love and Abundant Freedom
Sofie

The Warrior Goddess

My dear friend L shared this painting on facebook today.

It is so amazing!

I love that the woman in this photo is fierce, daring, courageous, and proud. She looks like she just climbed a mountain and is basking in the bliss of "I can do ANYTHING!"

Another thing I especially love about this photo is her body - she is so beautiful and obviously strong and fit, yet she looks completely different than what most images in my mind and popular culture tell me "healthy" looks like.

She is beautiful and knows it. Maybe she doesn't even give any thoughts or meaning to being beautiful at all.

I've been feeling really good the past week.

I have been going on (almost) daily walks with Shadow, and have even worked out once and went to the outdoor Solaris yoga sesh.

I have been cooking for myself, and eating more salad. Actually, I have been including salad every day and have discovered am YUM-amazing Kale salad recipe :) which I will share soon.

I am also trying not to deny the things that I like, like sweets occasionally and fatty foods. (I've been eating at least 1/2 an avocado a day - and feeling really good! )

So I haven't had any real cravings for "junk food" yet so that will be interesting to experience when that does come up ...

The other day, though, my friend offered my some Chex Mix and guess what? I ate some, enjoyed it, and didn't feel bad about it :) It was a serious break through for me :) :) :)

I also made myself popcorn when I was craving something to munch on that was a bit salty; it was so good and reminded me of the popcorn nights with the ladies in Hawaii .

So anyways. Here I am. Just trying to be myself, love myself, accept myself, and be an f-ing WARRIOR GODDESS. Yep.

Love and Peace and Acceptance

Sofie

More Distractions

I had some people close to me visit recently and the truth came out. A truth I hide from so many people, and from myself as often as I can.

I am still very much in the deep muck of addiction. I am still so very insecure. I spend most of my time alone, on the internet, or sleeping, or eating food.

My visitors' solution? I need more distractions. More movies, more time with friends, more work, more this more that. They say "these are not distractions, this is life!" I don't see it that way.

I use food to distract myself from my insecurities - from the anger, guilt, shame, sadness, loneliness, and blame that I still very much hold (and hide) inside myself - and am working (slowly) to let go of. I don't think I need another distraction to distract myself from distraction.

I am content though - I am content going through this journey as slowly as it is taking me to learn the lessons that I need to learn. And I am not sorry that I am different and that I don't feel like I fit in with "most" people. I am not sorry that I am taking the time I need (alone) to find the courage to face my fears - something I need to face about my-self first.

I realized how much blame I still hold for my those close to me for what I am experiencing. In reality, I KNOW blame is use-less and that I am responsible for my own thoughts, actions, feelings, and especially re-actions that affect others, but only last week did I realize how strongly other people's actions and words still very much trigger the insecurities that I still buy into. It was a very good lesson to see the beliefs that I am still very much invested in and how much stress believing these beliefs causes me.

"I am not good enough" is the main one.

I am good enough though - and I don't have to fit into anyone else's mold of what "good enough" is to know that about myself - every single second of life.

Gosh, this ego is a trip eh? All it wants is to feel like its good enough, like it has purpose.

Ego, why do you need to be accepted? Why do you desire to be loved? To be good enough? Why do you crave purpose in life? Contribution to others? Why do you believe yourself to be so important, anyways?

Ego is the "self" - it is the lens through which we experience this life - and for now, I am accepting this as my reality. But I am seeing an insecure, wounded ego that I have built up over many years, one that seems to work against me more than for my well-being. Of course, that could also be simply an illusion because after all, I only think I know what is best for me most of the time.

And so with that thought, it seems this post has come full circle as I admit that I do not always know what is best for me, and so (some) distractions may be of actual benefit during this transition from an ego that I see as having been "asleep and unconscious" to an ego that is mindful and aware.

Although I still totally indulge in distractions such as movies, television shows, and internet (all over the internet) .. I really feel a need and desire to choose distractions that are not rooted in popular culture, not because I am seeking to be different and unique from popular culture, but because I simply do not find the role models, inspirations, and positive messages that speak to my heart (most of the time) in popular culture. Most of the time when I watch tv shows or even movies, I am deeply triggered into insecurity. Wanting to be thin and beautiful like the people I see on the screen, wanting to be a better dancer, better this better that.

Interesting to note this as well though, as it is interesting and very revealing to myself about the sub-conscious belief systems I am still holding on to while watching these triggers affect me in such a way.

I would like to feel more of a balance between distractions and mindfulness though, because as of now, my life is pretty much 90% distraction. When I am outside walking with Shadow or giving massage, or listening to someone speak something real about their experience (how they are really feeling, etc.), or writing about how I feel  or think,  I find that I can be the most mindful.

This is what just came up in my mind.

Love and Peace Always!
Sofie

Meditation

Meditated for 10 minutes yesterday and immediately felt a sense of clarity and peace. I began reading the book on meditation that I have, and my focus has been so much better than it has been lately when trying to read.

The book is really well written too, which helps.

During meditation I wasn't trying to clear my mind of all thoughts - instead I was just focusing on watching the mind as thoughts arose, trying not to engage with the thoughts.

I forgot my computer charger at Starbucks yesterday, and what a blessing that turned out to be! Before I even thought about using the internet, I spent some time cleaning up the house. By the time I was ready to veg out, I realized that I was missing the charger. It was funny to watch the mind re-act (almost in a panic) realizing that I wouldn't be able to use the internet ALL NIGHT. Man, I really am addicted ;) I had it all planned out already, I was going to make a big bowl of rice and sit down and waste time on the internet while binge eating. After I realized I couldn't use my computer, the craving for the food dissapeared almost completely as well. (I wasn't actually hungry - I just wanted to eat.) Interesting how these two things are so related for me.

Then I went to my room, layed down, and meditated. Victory!

(I read an article by a spiritual teacher that advised to repeat the mantra "Victory" when faced with difficulties.)

....

My parents come to town today - super excited to see them.

Beliefs

I find it so interesting how beliefs about reality literally seem to shape reality.

If people believe in God, they literally experience God and even have a "personal relationship" with God. I do not believe that these people are lying when they claim these things about their reality.

If people believe that people are stupid, they will literally find themselves surrounded by examples all the time that seem to prove their belief.

The people who believe that people are all innately good, though, seem to find only evidence of the goodness of people.

The mind is such a powerful and mysterious thing. But can we trust it at all?

Can we trust anything at all to be real or truth when we can perceive it only through our minds? Can we perceive only through our minds?

Maybe it's not even important to find "truth" but to invest in beliefs that have proven to have positive results. Such as compassion and love.

Do I think too much? Maybe. It's fun for me though :)

Sofie K

droplets - A Poem

droplets

the moment I left I forgot who I was
did you think about me?
did you feel a part of you leave?
was there a reason that you let me go?
let me fly?
at first there were no boundaries
I could have been everywhere all at once
lost















eventually I had forgotten where I came from
and I wandered for eternities
I thank you for guiding me back
a push, I felt
a pull
a force, reminding me
up towards the heavens
where trillions of others like me gathered
wondering
where we fated to return ?
to remember you once more?
or dissolve and continue afloat?
it was up to us
whether we took the leap
plunging ten thousand feet
hoping
to be re-united with our Source
maybe a river that eventually led there
one little droplet jumped
and became the entire ocean

Love and Smiles Forever
Sofie K.

Pain and Pleasure

I have been watching "Ask a Monk" on YouTube; it is entertaining at least, and enlightening for sure.

I've been thinking about attachment relating to both pain and pleasure. It seems as if in Buddhism, neither pain nor pleasure are judged, in the sense that neither is "good or bad."

From watching these videos and also contemplating the philosophies being taught, I can understand more clearly (although purely intellectually at this point) what the Buddhists mean when they say that attachment causes suffering.

"There is no happiness that comes from clinging. Attachment is a sort of stress, it's something that brings the mind out of its state of peace and happiness. If you engage in attachment, addiction, wanting, desire, and so on, you're only going to become more and more miserable when you compartmentalize reality into "good" and "bad" and therefore don't get always what you want because you have wants. If you're able to accept reality for what it is it's not a question of whether its pleasure or pain at all, you're able to live in harmony with the world around you. In harmony with reality as it is. Accepting change, accepting the good and bad, not giving labels to things as "good" or "bad" at all." -yuttadhammo in his YouTube Video "Giving Up Pleasure."

When we judge pleasure as "good," we become attached to pleasure, crave pleasure, and continually seek pleasure, taking us out of the "now," the present moment, causing suffering. As well as taking us out of the present moment, we suffer when we no longer find pleasure in what originally caused us pleasure. When we consistently seek pleasure to avoid pain or difficult emotions, this may evolve into an addiction, again, causing suffering.

When we judge pain as "bad," and become attached to this point of view, we attempt to avoid pain (maybe by seeking pleasure), and when we find that pain is unavoidable, we suffer. The "pleasure" that we consistently use to avoid pain may begin to cause us suffering itself, as we see in the case of addictions (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, food, video-games, television, socializing, etc.) when a certain substance is used to either numb an emotion, or superficially induce one.

My question to Buddhists is, have you judged suffering as "bad," and if not, why do you wish to eliminate it?

It seems to me that suffering is simply another experience to be had, and with that point of view, what makes it "better" or "worse" than pain or pleasure?

If pain is not inherently "bad" and pleasure is not inherently "good", what is suffering? yuttadhammo states that it is not necessary to avoid pleasure nor pain, but to cease suffering. Why is ceasing suffering then, so important?

And are you not "attached" to the idea of Nirvana, and to cease suffering, when you base your whole life around Buddhist practice and meditation, like some people dedicate much of their time to exercise and eating healthy because of their "attachment" to the upkeep of a healthy body?


Also, isn't always seeking the "truth" and to "see reality as it really is" a sort of attachment also?

Thanks for reading
Peace and Respect
Sofie K.

Buddhist Monk Speaks About Addiction

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5Lg9P-VekA&feature=relmfu


A beautiful video about addictions, specifically pornography and masturbation, but it relates to all addictions too. Interesting to hear different perspectives :)

Peace & Harmony,
Sofie K

I Know What I Want

There has been a certain question plaguing my life lately. What do I want out of life? What do I want right now? What do I want in the near future? Do I want to stay in Vail, do I want to go somewhere else?

My mind can easily get lost in racing thoughts of all the possibilities there are to experience in life, and the anxiety that comes with these thoughts is literally like a plague, removing me from the present moment while I get lost in daydreams of potential future outcomes.

But it is not a physical destination I am seeking, rather, a mental, emotional, and physical place that I theoretically and philosophically know is available to me at any moment, although I hardly ever choose to experience it "just because I can."

So rather than dream about a place to escape to, where I believe all my struggles will magically disappear, I am going to stay put, here in Vail (or possibly living with my friend Julie in Gypsum, for more of a sense of community, support, and to save on rent this winter,) and practice being where I know I want to be, here. (Gypsum is in Eagle County so I don't really consider it leaving, since I will keep my same job and same relative location.)

So what do I know I want? And how can I achieve those things here and now?

Self- Love and Self- Acceptance. Being my self instead of looking at others and wishing I had their life, their friends, their body, their whatever! Loving my own personal journey, including the happy, the difficult, and the "wretched" times I encounter.

Peace. To find peace, tranquility, and calm in times of busy-ness (especially at work), self-doubt, and anxiety. To take moments to breathe, and realize that "right here in this moment, I am OK."

Gratitude. Finding things daily to be grateful for.

Adventure. Excitement! Fun! Experiencing new ideas, new people, and new places. There are plenty of places close to home that I haven't ever been to, yet I dream about going somewhere totally new. There are so many things to do here: bike, raft, hike, swim, snowboard, walk, run, camp, but I hardly do any of them because I allow my negative thoughts to rule my life!

A Healthy Body. Feeling awesome in my body by getting daily exercise and eating well all the time! Feeling strong and flexible, nimble and fast!

Friendship. To connect with people I love through sharing time, space, ideas, laughter, fun, smiles, adventures, and joy!

Spirituality. Connecting with my higher self and Source daily!

Family. Staying connected with my family through resources like Skype! And visiting them, of course. (A trip is in order!)

Alternative-minded Ideas. Homemade, DIY, raw food, natural hygiene, using less money, eco transportation (biking and hitch-hiking), gardening, loving unconditionally.

Tomorrow I plan to begin my internet cleanse. What does that mean? Spending time on the internet for only UP TO an hour a day, but hopefully less. I will go online only to blog, check e-mail, and my work schedule.

I also am implementing a daily meditation ritual - starting with 10 minutes a day. 10 minutes to start each day, first thing in the morning, simply sitting and observing my breath and state of being. I am not going to try and eliminate thoughts, rather, to practice mindfulness and observing thoughts (hopefully without engaging them) as they arise, and practice watching them with non-attachment.

Exciting!

I am pretty scatter brained right now. I need some serious detox in my life.

Peace and loving life,
Sofie K

Collective Evolution II: The Human Experience

Collective Evolution II : The Human Experience

Beautiful Video :)

Talks about some "different" topics, including Sun-gazing (using the Sun for food energy), as well as a different (but not unique!) Creation story. If these topics do not interest you, watch it anyways. There is a massive amount of useful information in this film about why you are not your thoughts, your emotions, or your social programming, why it is key for the "control mechanism" that you continue to buy into certain concepts about reality, and why it is important that you free you mind!

 Enjoy!

Love & Peace
Sofie K.

I Don't Want to be a Christian !

I have a problem with religion and labels in general.

Something, especially, about being a "Christian" definitely invokes certain negative belief systems to spring forward into my conscious thought.

Thoughts of families in the suburbs going to church on Sundays, living out of nature and and going to public schools. (LOL -- what does the latter even have to DO with Christianity?)

People following blind faith, and following certain "laws" just because they are of a certain faith. (Abstaining from sex until married, marriage in general, following Jesus as their personal "savior.")

Christians in my mind are totally "uncool." (This belief system is garbage - throwing it away .. now.)

The thing is, I have felt the presence of a Creator God many times, often in an altered state of consciousness, when some would say I had more "awareness" or more of an "open mind." It just seems like it is in my nature to question EVERYTHING, which my friend Chris told me yesterday was actually one of the things God asks us to do. That in the Bible, it is recorded that God himself calls blind faith foolish (obviously paraphrasing here) and we should question everything and come to answers for ourselves, not be spoon fed dogma.

I have a lot of questions about religions and God.

For example, establishing a religion (read: cultural operating system) based on unquestionable laws determined by an all-powerful Source seems like a really easy way to establish total power and control over people. (Although I admit - I would have to read the Bible to get to know what EXACTLY is being asked of humans from God, according to the the "Holy Book.")

The psychological (Freudian) perspective is that humans created God (the Creator of the Universe) to serve as a "father figure" that we seem to lack. (As my friend Julie once put it - Freud determined that everyone has Daddy issues .. hehe!) Other psychological perspectives for the existence of God in human minds state that humans are attempting to answer questions about our origin, life purpose, and morality.

It is interesting to view all these desires from an ego-based perspective too.

Origin - Our ego wants to know where we came from because let's be honest, our ego wants to know everything. And this is, kindof a big thing. No one can explain the origins of life, and especially not the origins of consciousness, awareness, and thoughts (the observer behind the veil).

Can we figure this out without believing in God? Maybe - we just haven't yet.

Life Purpose - Our ego wants to be needed, and so telling ourselves that we are here because "God has a plan for us" or "we are here to serve God" satisfies that need. Some atheist suicidal people claim "if life has no meaning, why should I go on living?"

Can we have a life purpose without believing in God? Sometimes it can be hard to decide if you do not know if you believe in God, because if you do, your life purpose might be way different than if you don't. But, if you decide that you don't believe in God (or you don't believe that he/she/it determines your life purpose) then you get to decide your life purpose, allow it to unfold organically, or decide not to have a life purpose at all and see what each day brings. Seems fun that way!

Morality - Our ego can sometimes get lost in not knowing what is "good and bad" and so having some "higher power" tell us what is right or wrong seems easy.

Can we figure out right and wrong without God's help? Sure - we all have human feelings and emotions and the ability to feel "empathy" for others, so the notion of "treating others as you would like to be treated" seems like common sense. Even if we cannot experience being someone else (sometimes you can - in altered states of consciousness, but I digress,) we can definitely imagine what it  is like to be someone else, or go through whatever they are experiencing and decide if we would want to be "in their shoes."

There are so many interpretations of what or who God is, and they all think that they are correct.

What "bothers" me about the personal, Christian God who answers to prayers and performs miracles through people and things is that he seems to fulfill many desires of the human ego, and so in my mind, it would be very easy to create such an entity. Also, for a long time now, I have subscribed to the notion "that we have everything we need inside of us already - answers to all our questions and access to all knowledge in the database of the universe" so looking to God for "help" or "answers" seems like another way to look to the "external world" for help. (Some people believe that because God created us in his likeness he gave us this ability also and so being self-sufficient in this manner does not necessarily disprove God.) Also, I am afraid of being wrong and wasting time believing in something to later find out it wasn't even real in the first place. (Because I have spent a good portion of my life already believing beliefs that weren't the "truth")

I DO believe that different religions, Christianity (and the Bible) totally being included in that list, hold a great amount of wisdom and knowledge about our planet and human beings, so I am not saying that it is all useless.

One of the more interesting facts that the Bible talks about is "humans' abilities to change reality with their thoughts" which is now being talked about in the New Age movement, quantum mechanics (and quantum physics), in the yoga and meditation traditions, and from self-help advocates everywhere.

I am totally not opposed in reading the Bible, especially a version that has modern language and word connotations in mind - I am actually very interested in what this (very old) book has to say about reality.

I am also weary of anyone that has it "figured out" because really? Really? The mind is super great at convincing ourselves that we have something "figured out" and that what we believe is the "truth." That's kind of the nature of holding a belief - believing that it is true. But as you probably see within yourself over the years, our beliefs (usually) change, or we cling to them with all our might, fearful of what letting go of a belief system will say about "who we are" and "who we will become" without it. Identity is a trip, y'all.

I love a quote that I have hanging in my bathroom which states - "The spiritual path is not about not having beliefs, but in holding them loosely. If we cling to a belief we are stuck - if we hold it loosely we can go with the flow." (The whole quote is about how limited our individual human perspectives are relative to "reality" - which is also a belief because no one has ever been able to describe the "true nature of reality.")

So for now I remain a religious skeptic, although when I look around at the world I see in front of my eyes and senses, and think about the complexity of sub-atomic particles, our body, or the universe, it really does look like it was beautifully and lovingly designed by some kind of grand Creator. (I do not believe that Creation and Evolution are exclusive, by the way.)

Is God a man in the sky, sitting on a bejeweled throne though ? -  well, I obviously have some doubts about that one.

I have inserted an amazing video that really speaks to my heart and soul and raises the vibration of my being... please watch :) 

Thanks for reading!
With love and gratitude for this human experience,
Sofie K.

Beautiful Conversations

"I don't know where I'm going - but I'm on my way."

First of all - listen to this!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwrel&v=WgyM2QbvRrk&NR=1


Today I went into Starbucks to see if I could find Julie so she could give me a ride home ...

Julie was not there, and Chris offered to drive me. What happened was we stayed at the store until 10:30 talking about God. It was so beautiful, magical, and inspiring.

The fact is, I feel like life is so much clearer, easier, and filled with more purpose when I have a personal relationship with the Creator, which I have been cultivating more and more recently. (Although I am still sometimes filled with doubts.)

Right now I am not filled with any doubts. I LOVE God, and I know that God loves me.

I also feel like I am exactly where I should be and am not going to try to force any decisions on where I should go from here on to myself. Right now the future is uncertain (isn't it always?) and I am OK with that. I have really been loving my job and opportunities have been opening left and right.

Visit www.thewoodstockfruitfestival.com for info on this event!

I didn't think I was going to make it to the Woodstock Fruit Festival, but now I am deciding to try and go. I have posted a list of dates at work about shifts that I need covered to make that trip, and once people have covered my shifts, I will purchase a plane ticket from Denver to Albany International, from which I will take the offered ride service to the festival (with my massage table)! My intention for attending the Fruit Festival is to have a beautiful cleanse of the body, while meeting and learning a lot from people involved in getting healthy and fit, and also to bring the experience of massage therapy to the festival and help people who are not familiar with massage learn how it can be a valuable tool for their health and fitness (and especially during detox!)

I also have discovered another amazing opportunity - September 9 - 20 there is a free 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat being offered in Elbert, CO. It is a silent retreat, and the website describes Vipassana meditation as "finding awareness of what is." I would really like to participate in this experience, and have applied for the retreat ! I love that it is free, with food and accommodations included, and I hope to donate some money to the organization if I feel like it is helpful and useful. My intention for going on this retreat will be to get a better understanding of the underlying thoughts and belief patterns that seem programmed into my mind and to help let some of them go that are no longer useful.

I am working on actively being of service to humanity while being guided by divine inspiration to lead a life of purpose for myself and those around me.

Trusting and letting go of the outcome.

Knowing that the Creator's plan is infinitely more beautiful than I could ever imagine from my self-centered egoic perspective.

Jump! And the net will appear :)


Infinite Love and Freedom!
Sofie K.

Lots of Thoughts

During my time in Hawaii, I had access to the internet only when I borrowed friends' laptops. (rarely.)

It was amazing !

I actively participated in life SO much more. AND when I wasn't participating, I had one less distraction (the internet) to keep me distracted from what I was attempting to contemplate, work through, or let go of. Or from simple silence. (Trust me though - I have a complete arsenal of mind-numbing distractions at my disposal .. which I am .. slowly .. clearing out also.)

I would consider these things more like addictions - and internet definitely falls into that category.

What I see currently showing up in my life:

Consistent over-eating, especially of unhealthy foods. Thought-less, mind-less eating while Im on the internet  or seeking a feeling or sensation from food.

Spending 6 + hours a day on the internet. Yeah. Doing what? Facebook, YouTube, some constructive mind-expanding, thought-provoking stuff, but also a lot of mindless mindlessness.

Being ok with what I am doing, and not releasing the "second arrow" into myself which Is the blame, self-hate, and anger that sometimes comes with bringing awareness to addictions or "negative behavior patterns."

I am just noticing that I am doing it, acknowledging that it is not in my "best" interest for the long-term, but also thinking that maybe because I am still doing these things that there is something to be learned from these experiences.

With food - what it seems like I should really focus on is feeling good vs. looking good. I know there is NOTHING wrong with looking good, but when it becomes an obsessive thought pattern and ALL of my thoughts become dominated by my self-image (how I perceive people are viewing/experiencing me) it is so unhealthy for my mind.

In general, I notice my thoughts becoming less and less about how I believe other people view me. I still catch myself thinking this sometimes, but can usually quickly realize what I am doing and eliminate these thoughts from my mind.

I saw a quote yesterday that said "You will stop worrying so much about what other people think about you once you realize how rarely they actually do."

Seems true. We are so "I" and "self" obsessed. At least I am. I mean, I don't really know how not to be. This whole life experience has been "my" experience. It's the only one I know. But sometimes I forget that we all share this world, and that people are not just in "my" world. (Although some theorists and explorers of consciousness do propose the idea that we cannot ACTUALLY prove any one else's conscious awareness beyond our own..but thinking like that ... seems like a justification of the ego to simply do as one wishes and disregard everyone else's well-being.) I DONT KNOW :)

The point of that was, that EVERYONE is living in their own perceived reality.

We have not yet transcended the "self" ( the "ego") as the observer, player, and experience-er of this human existence. And who even knows if we are supposed to.

The part of me that says "it is all as it should be" says - of course we are not supposed to, or else we would have already. All is as it should be, and if you are having this "self" egoic human experience, full of struggles, worries, joys, and moments of bliss then it is how the Creator (if there is one) intended it to be (at least in this moment in Time & Space).

But THAT kind of thinking gets me into another hole because then I say -

Well if everything is always as it should be then why bother to change anything? Why not just change our minds to accept and find joy in whatever situation is presented to us instead of constantly trying to force experiences (of what we think we are going to experience) by embarking to seek change.

So this is maybe "being" vs. "doing"

But are we meant to just "be" ? And then what would we experience?

The miracle of the breath, of pure life force pulsating through our bodies?

But at some point we need to eat right? So we go out and look for food, and immediately we are "doing."

So maybe there is a balance between simply "being" - observing what is (in the surroundings and the own mind), non-reactionary, and non-thinking. Non problem solving. Non fixing, non-doing.

And then there is the doing.

I feel like I need to re-learn how to do both of these things. Because I do not remember how to simply "be" - my mind is constantly racing about what I should be "doing", could be "doing", or will be "doing" .. and my actual doing is influenced so greatly by all my desires to seek out happiness, joys, and fulfillment from my outside experiences instead of ..  well, I don't know what else.

I wonder too, if I took more time to just "be" - as in daily structured meditation - observing the breath, observing the mind - would I be able to more easily pin-point the belief systems that I am invested in in my mind that seem to limit my "doing" to actions of seeking and pre-programmed re-actions ?

What an interesting time in my life. I bet if someone looked in from the outside they would think "wow, that girl's life must be so boring - all she does is work, eat (a lot), and be online (also a lot!) But I feel like I am setting myself up for something really cool.

I have actively let go of a lot of limiting belief systems already and have found myself being more genuine, open, and honest in relations and conversations with others. Even people that I just meet! Life is way more fun when you are real, but I know that most people don't "try" to be fake, they (like me) are just filled with insecurities and believe that they have to behave in a certain way to please people or be accepted.

You know, it would be hard to be completely alone, not accepted by anyone. But I think If I was the only one on the side of Love, Peace, and Kinship, I would rather stand alone than try and be accepted by those who only know hate, anger, fear, war, and oppression.

Life is so beautiful!

Thanks for reading, I LOVE you all!

Sofie K

Grateful for Relationships

I am physically and mentally exhausted right now; emotionally... not so much :)

If you have heard me tell my stories, you have probably heard me mention that I have/ still work for Starbucks. You have probably also heard me mention that I do not enjoy it. I am here today to tell of a different perspective.

Although I may not see working at Starbucks as a life 'goal' or dream, I am uber Grateful for my experiences there.

Why? Because of the people.

For some reason, I have been blessed during my years at Starbucks to have worked alongside individuals in front of whom I feel totally OK with being myself. The goofy, cooky, silly, sing-y, ecstatic, happy, beautiful, helpful, caring, mothering, healthy, loving, optimistic, inspiring and grateful part of myself. AS WELL AS the frustrated, exhausted, tired, ugly, pessimistic, run-down, judgmental, angry, whiney, out of shape, preachy, egotistical, snappy, and i-dont-give-a-hoot part of myself. For that I am so grateful.

To have people in my life that accept me for what I am going through at any given moment, and to help me accept my self better in that moment as well.

I have learned SO much about relationships with people in the past 4 years working there, especially about how you (and I) can make a positive impact on the world around us NO MATTER what we are doing. (Even if it is working for a corporation that some consider 'evil' 'wasteful' and 'unnecessary' - terms I have used in the past to describe Starbucks.)

It brings me back to a piece of wisdom that a very gifted massage therapist (and loving being) left with me - describing exactly what my experience at Starbucks has been. She told me that she believed people can have a positive impact on others no matter WHAT (almost) their career path.

I took it as being kind, helpful, empathetic, knowing when to listen and when to give advice, being non-judgmental, and smiling genuinely whenever possible. Seeing the brighter side of things and being aware of the human-ness of each and every person.

No matter what we are 'doing' - we are all alike. We either struggle with or take gratitude in the daily 'grind' of living - we ask questions about existence that no one seems to know the answers to - and most importantly, we are there for each other when times are tough and uncertain .. when there are croissant crumbs littering the floor that we have swept 3 times already, and it seems like we are being tested by customer after customer trying to uncover our wit's end.

Between scraping out chocolate syrup crust from espresso machine crevasses and witnessing extremely sore muscles from slinging milk pitchers around all day, we explore and express our gratitude for one another , the fun, the frustrating, the happy, annoying, and loving parts of every single one of us.

Relationships have the power to help us learn and grow as individuals and as communities, so for the utterly genuine and REAL relationships that Starbucks has served as a catalyst for, I am eternally grateful.