I had some people close to me visit recently and the truth came out. A truth I hide from so many people, and from myself as often as I can.
I am still very much in the deep muck of addiction. I am still so very insecure. I spend most of my time alone, on the internet, or sleeping, or eating food.
My visitors' solution? I need more distractions. More movies, more time with friends, more work, more this more that. They say "these are not distractions, this is life!" I don't see it that way.
I use food to distract myself from my insecurities - from the anger, guilt, shame, sadness, loneliness, and blame that I still very much hold (and hide) inside myself - and am working (slowly) to let go of. I don't think I need another distraction to distract myself from distraction.
I am content though - I am content going through this journey as slowly as it is taking me to learn the lessons that I need to learn. And I am not sorry that I am different and that I don't feel like I fit in with "most" people. I am not sorry that I am taking the time I need (alone) to find the courage to face my fears - something I need to face about my-self first.
I realized how much blame I still hold for my those close to me for what I am experiencing. In reality, I KNOW blame is use-less and that I am responsible for my own thoughts, actions, feelings, and especially re-actions that affect others, but only last week did I realize how strongly other people's actions and words still very much trigger the insecurities that I still buy into. It was a very good lesson to see the beliefs that I am still very much invested in and how much stress believing these beliefs causes me.
"I am not good enough" is the main one.
I am good enough though - and I don't have to fit into anyone else's mold of what "good enough" is to know that about myself - every single second of life.
Gosh, this ego is a trip eh? All it wants is to feel like its good enough, like it has purpose.
Ego, why do you need to be accepted? Why do you desire to be loved? To be good enough? Why do you crave purpose in life? Contribution to others? Why do you believe yourself to be so important, anyways?
Ego is the "self" - it is the lens through which we experience this life - and for now, I am accepting this as my reality. But I am seeing an insecure, wounded ego that I have built up over many years, one that seems to work against me more than for my well-being. Of course, that could also be simply an illusion because after all, I only think I know what is best for me most of the time.
And so with that thought, it seems this post has come full circle as I admit that I do not always know what is best for me, and so (some) distractions may be of actual benefit during this transition from an ego that I see as having been "asleep and unconscious" to an ego that is mindful and aware.
Although I still totally indulge in distractions such as movies, television shows, and internet (all over the internet) .. I really feel a need and desire to choose distractions that are not rooted in popular culture, not because I am seeking to be different and unique from popular culture, but because I simply do not find the role models, inspirations, and positive messages that speak to my heart (most of the time) in popular culture. Most of the time when I watch tv shows or even movies, I am deeply triggered into insecurity. Wanting to be thin and beautiful like the people I see on the screen, wanting to be a better dancer, better this better that.
Interesting to note this as well though, as it is interesting and very revealing to myself about the sub-conscious belief systems I am still holding on to while watching these triggers affect me in such a way.
I would like to feel more of a balance between distractions and mindfulness though, because as of now, my life is pretty much 90% distraction. When I am outside walking with Shadow or giving massage, or listening to someone speak something real about their experience (how they are really feeling, etc.), or writing about how I feel or think, I find that I can be the most mindful.
This is what just came up in my mind.
Love and Peace Always!
Sofie
I am still very much in the deep muck of addiction. I am still so very insecure. I spend most of my time alone, on the internet, or sleeping, or eating food.
My visitors' solution? I need more distractions. More movies, more time with friends, more work, more this more that. They say "these are not distractions, this is life!" I don't see it that way.
I use food to distract myself from my insecurities - from the anger, guilt, shame, sadness, loneliness, and blame that I still very much hold (and hide) inside myself - and am working (slowly) to let go of. I don't think I need another distraction to distract myself from distraction.
I am content though - I am content going through this journey as slowly as it is taking me to learn the lessons that I need to learn. And I am not sorry that I am different and that I don't feel like I fit in with "most" people. I am not sorry that I am taking the time I need (alone) to find the courage to face my fears - something I need to face about my-self first.
I realized how much blame I still hold for my those close to me for what I am experiencing. In reality, I KNOW blame is use-less and that I am responsible for my own thoughts, actions, feelings, and especially re-actions that affect others, but only last week did I realize how strongly other people's actions and words still very much trigger the insecurities that I still buy into. It was a very good lesson to see the beliefs that I am still very much invested in and how much stress believing these beliefs causes me.
"I am not good enough" is the main one.
I am good enough though - and I don't have to fit into anyone else's mold of what "good enough" is to know that about myself - every single second of life.
Gosh, this ego is a trip eh? All it wants is to feel like its good enough, like it has purpose.
Ego, why do you need to be accepted? Why do you desire to be loved? To be good enough? Why do you crave purpose in life? Contribution to others? Why do you believe yourself to be so important, anyways?
Ego is the "self" - it is the lens through which we experience this life - and for now, I am accepting this as my reality. But I am seeing an insecure, wounded ego that I have built up over many years, one that seems to work against me more than for my well-being. Of course, that could also be simply an illusion because after all, I only think I know what is best for me most of the time.
And so with that thought, it seems this post has come full circle as I admit that I do not always know what is best for me, and so (some) distractions may be of actual benefit during this transition from an ego that I see as having been "asleep and unconscious" to an ego that is mindful and aware.
Although I still totally indulge in distractions such as movies, television shows, and internet (all over the internet) .. I really feel a need and desire to choose distractions that are not rooted in popular culture, not because I am seeking to be different and unique from popular culture, but because I simply do not find the role models, inspirations, and positive messages that speak to my heart (most of the time) in popular culture. Most of the time when I watch tv shows or even movies, I am deeply triggered into insecurity. Wanting to be thin and beautiful like the people I see on the screen, wanting to be a better dancer, better this better that.
Interesting to note this as well though, as it is interesting and very revealing to myself about the sub-conscious belief systems I am still holding on to while watching these triggers affect me in such a way.
I would like to feel more of a balance between distractions and mindfulness though, because as of now, my life is pretty much 90% distraction. When I am outside walking with Shadow or giving massage, or listening to someone speak something real about their experience (how they are really feeling, etc.), or writing about how I feel or think, I find that I can be the most mindful.
This is what just came up in my mind.
Love and Peace Always!
Sofie
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