Not in a Food Mood .. So Where am I?

I have had body-image issues for two thirds of my whole life. As of lately I decided that worrying about what I look like is a complete waste of my time and energy. Since deciding this, I have given myself permission to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Since doing so, a funny thing has happened. I have completely lost my appetite.

I am still eating everyday because my mind is saying 'you need to eat,' although sometimes it has been a struggle to eat more than a few bites. I am not craving anything I have in my house right now ...  and when I try to imagine different foods, nothing seems appetizing at the moment. The only things that I seem to be really craving right now is water, water, more water, and warm water with honey.

My stomach feels hungry, but not in a severely painful way. I still have plenty of energy too, and my thoughts and emotions seem a lot clearer than the past few weeks.

This loss of appetite doesn't actually surprise me. Since the beginning of my 'disordered eating' habits, which began at about age 14, I have been on a continuous cycle of calorie restricting, followed by intense periods of bingeing to the point where I would make myself physically ill for days, sometimes weeks at a time. The restriction periods where the times I was trying to force myself to get in control of my life by fitting into a certain image I was holding of who the 'happy me' was. The bingeing periods where the times during which I, over and over and over again, completely lost all control.

Why do we try to cover the true unique beauty of
ourselves by pretending to be someone we are not?
To feel accepted? Loved? Because it is easier to
adopt beliefs of the societal -group mind- than to
stand out, be different, be judged, and be OK with that?

I now realize that trying to control life, especially by attempting to emulate a self-conceived image of -what a happy person looks like (skinny)- is completely futile and totally counter-productive to my instinctual feelings and desires for freedom.

So why the loss of appetite now?

Rewind my life to about 7 weeks ago: I was boarding a plane to Hawaii - a fruit paradise! I was at the tail end of another binge cycle ( I literally ate 3 burritos at the airport waiting to board my flight to Hilo), and had promised my self (again) that this would be the last time! I was completely convinced that once I got to Hawaii, I would eat only fruits, vegetables, and grains .. (being totally enamored with the concept that is the 80 10 10 low fat raw vegan lifestyle.) For the first three weeks, this was exactly what I did. I had come out of such an intense processed-food binge cycle that the first few weeks where easy. My body was thanking me for the cleanse, and I didn't even crave the other stuff. Until I did. And then oh, how I did!

I remember sitting at a restaurant where everyone around me was enjoying their divine-smelling Thai cuisine, and my God! how I wanted it so badly! But my nagging aunt Ninnie brain was un-relentlessness ! All I could think about, besides how much I wanted that food, was how it would probably make me fat and cause me to feel ill! And so I denied myself the pleasure of tasting even a bite of it, even the healthiest option on the menu, the green papaya salad, which I figured was laden with salt and spices. I continued to deny myself until I could not hold on any longer.

I don't think life wants to be controlled. It wants to feel free and do what feels good! And go with the flow of love and abundance! So the more I restricted, the harder I was flung back into total loss of control.

I began to eat, and eat, and eat. It started at a group potluck where I indulged in some very delicious food, in modest amounts ( I was embarrassed that I was eating greasy, cooked food in front of people that had only seen me eat fruits, veggies, and quinoa, and who most likely had  no idea about how deep my food and self-image issues lied.) I woke up the next day feeling completely healthy as far as digestion goes.

Since I had "slipped" though, I wanted to get 'the most out of it' before I had to get back into the restriction cycle, because "this time, I wouldn't go back to bingeing!" I gorged myself that day. And the next day, and the next. I would sneak into town to eat food alone, and buy candy bars to eat by myself in my tent when everyone had gone to bed. I began to lack vitality, and eventually became extremely ill, even having to take days off volunteering because I had eaten so much the night before that I had a full, bloated, aching belly upon waking.

My fellow hostel-mates could tell that I was not feeling well, but I was too ashamed to tell them what was actually going on. I eventually confided in a few friends about the general story of my struggles, although I never described in detail exactly what I was doing.

I continued to binge for the remainder of my stay in Hawaii, as well as on the trip home. All the while, something magical was happening.

Seriously and Honestly. You are beautiful
just the way you are!

During the last few weeks at the hostel, I began to feel very comfortable being my true self in front of my hostel-mates. I said 'no' to activities I did not want to participate in, and did not pretend to have more energy than I actually had. I began to talk more honestly about how I was feeling, and began to accept my own feelings with more compassion and honesty. I stopped feeling sorry for myself or angry for being in the state that I was in, and began to truly forgive myself and nourish the child inside with love and self-acceptance. Well, I started practicing to do all this :)

An amazing book, The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz helped to put a lot of what I was going through into beautiful words that I connected with on a soul-level.

And so now that I am home, allowing my-self to eat whatever I want to eat, whenever I want to eat it, limiting the time I spend in front of a mirror (only the time it takes to squeeze out a few blackheads - an act that feels interestingly satisfying to me :), and spending as much time as I need resting, sleeping, and -not doing anything - I find myself in what seems to be a very natural cycle of detoxing, cleansing, and healing.

LOL! Kind of how I have been feeling. Except for going
 on bike rides.

I am sure that my appetite will return once my body truly needs it to. I am not one bit surprised, that during a time when I am releasing many old beliefs and life patterns that no longer serve me, my body is asking for less food than usual, in an attempt to release the stale energies of these belief systems out of its tissues.

I feel like the moment I decided not to restrict my-self any longer, it was a moment of great surrender.

And being here, I do not regret the many years I have spent "struggling" with disordered eating and body-image, or any future struggles that may show their faces. Yet being OK with these struggles -in the moment- is still something I am working on. It makes it easier when I see that I wouldn't be where I am today without the totality of my experiences. "You have got to trust that the dots will somehow connect." - Steve Jobs

Watch Jobs' inspirational video about seeing the opportunities in life's setback's here !

Thank You! Namaste.
Sofie