This post is honest and not sugar-coated. At least I will try to be.
Some situations tend to show you exactly where you are at in terms of your behaviors, patterns, and belief systems. Something that you thought you had "let go" of may pop up in the most unexpected of places to let you know that your work in that area is not yet completed. (Will it ever be?) I'm not sure.
The fact that I was very intensely shown last week how much more work I have to do and how much more courage I have to express on my journey of finding a healthy, balanced relationship to food and my body was neither unexpected, nor had I thought I had "let go" completely.
This realization though, seemed to present me with a re-occurring opportunity that was more clear than ever before: make the choice to do something different this time!
As I expressed to my dear roommate Julie, since the age of about 14 or 15 I have either been on a diet (severely restricting my caloric intake; even if I was eating - I was not eating enough,) during which the pressure of dieting mentally exhausted me, emotionally drained me, and physically made me feel better about my appearance, but would often leave me sluggish and lethargic, or in a binge eating cycle, where I would eat as much food as I could possibly get my hands on, not restricting what I ate, when, and how much. (I never went back to eating non-seafood meat though, since I cut it out in 2010.)
There where many days that I didn't eat until 2 or 4 p.m, and then only once. There where weeks when I only ate raw food, drinking mostly juice. (I still totally believe in the power of raw food and juice cleansing - but only for health reasons (in my case) and if for weight loss, only with a healthy mindset and outlook towards food and body image. ) During this part of the cycle I usually started feeling better and better about my appearance. My puffy cheeks (from salt, processed foods, and dairy) would sink in, exposing my cheekbones, which I love. My stomach would feel and look flatter, and depending on how long I could keep myself sane in this cycle of restriction, I would begin to see and feel my hip bones.
On the "downward" slide of the roller coaster, in a binge eating cycle, during I which lost or (more recently) chose to allow myself a sense of total loss of self-control in terms of what I would allow myself to eat. And because I knew that soon I would have to begin restricting myself again, I tried to get "as much in" while I was giving myself the freedom. There where many times when I ate 5 or 6 bagels with hummus or cream cheese, and entire pizza, followed by a pint of ice cream. Other foods I loved to binge on where pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, oreos, chocolate chip cookies, starbucks breakfast sandwiches (because I got them free), chocolate bars, and rice or quinoa with peanut butter, soy sauce, and sriracha. I would often eat until my stomach was bloated and couldn't move. I never made myself throw up, so my digestive tract would be wrecked for days after a particularly heavy binge (or the first one after a dieting cycle)..
Why am I writing this all on the internet, for anyone and their mothers who wants to, to read it?
I just feel like being honest. This is my personal blog, first of all, where I share about my life and lifestyle and in the spirit of being honest and not ashamed of the struggles we face .. I felt like coming on here and writing about it.
And also to say that I am fucking tired. Tired of wanting to look like a supermodel because that is what I see on tv (some of you may think .. yeah but you don't even try .. not even a little bit .. that doesn't mean in my mind that desire wasn't there, but I just gave up .. ) tired of constantly thinking about food, what I can or cannot eat, when Im going to eat, how much, etc. I just want to eat healthy!
I know I have said this so many times before but as I said before I am clearly still working on it.
Since starting a relationship with a guy that I really like, the pressure I have put on myself to lose weight and work out has been immense. I actually was able to "keep it together" on my diet better than most times because I had a little extra motivation, ( I didn't want to look fat in front of my man :) But I still lost it a few times and binged. It came to the point where I was feeling so much pressure to diet when I was with him, and so much relief from binging because I was not trying to control myself or constantly dreaming about the food I "couldn't" eat, that I made the decision in my mind to end the relationship.
I explained to him (vaguely .. very very vaguely) that I felt like a "burden was lifted off my shoulders" when we weren't hanging out, but never really went into the detail of what I was going through. I had mentioned (again, vaguely) before that I had some struggles with food, but I completely omitted the fact that I still deal with them on a day to day basis.
He said I was being "disappointingly vague" and that maybe we should take some time apart if I felt like that. I was so sad. I mean, this is what I thought would be the best thing for me until it was said and done. The idea of losing such a great friend and lover because I could not be honest about what I was going through, and show a little more courage in dealing with my issues was devastating.
I said I wanted to hang out, and committed to not being on a diet. I am still committing to eat healthy, enough, and what I want. It's hard for my mind to deal with because I know I will not lose weight as fast as if I am not eating enough. But I know that If I just consistently ate healthy and stayed active doing the things I love to do my body would naturally "even out" to a healthy and appropriate weight for me.
So that is my goal, my intention. To eat when I am hungry, eat enough and not be on a diet!
Sofie K.
With love, peace and self-acceptance.
Some situations tend to show you exactly where you are at in terms of your behaviors, patterns, and belief systems. Something that you thought you had "let go" of may pop up in the most unexpected of places to let you know that your work in that area is not yet completed. (Will it ever be?) I'm not sure.
The fact that I was very intensely shown last week how much more work I have to do and how much more courage I have to express on my journey of finding a healthy, balanced relationship to food and my body was neither unexpected, nor had I thought I had "let go" completely.
This realization though, seemed to present me with a re-occurring opportunity that was more clear than ever before: make the choice to do something different this time!
As I expressed to my dear roommate Julie, since the age of about 14 or 15 I have either been on a diet (severely restricting my caloric intake; even if I was eating - I was not eating enough,) during which the pressure of dieting mentally exhausted me, emotionally drained me, and physically made me feel better about my appearance, but would often leave me sluggish and lethargic, or in a binge eating cycle, where I would eat as much food as I could possibly get my hands on, not restricting what I ate, when, and how much. (I never went back to eating non-seafood meat though, since I cut it out in 2010.)
There where many days that I didn't eat until 2 or 4 p.m, and then only once. There where weeks when I only ate raw food, drinking mostly juice. (I still totally believe in the power of raw food and juice cleansing - but only for health reasons (in my case) and if for weight loss, only with a healthy mindset and outlook towards food and body image. ) During this part of the cycle I usually started feeling better and better about my appearance. My puffy cheeks (from salt, processed foods, and dairy) would sink in, exposing my cheekbones, which I love. My stomach would feel and look flatter, and depending on how long I could keep myself sane in this cycle of restriction, I would begin to see and feel my hip bones.
On the "downward" slide of the roller coaster, in a binge eating cycle, during I which lost or (more recently) chose to allow myself a sense of total loss of self-control in terms of what I would allow myself to eat. And because I knew that soon I would have to begin restricting myself again, I tried to get "as much in" while I was giving myself the freedom. There where many times when I ate 5 or 6 bagels with hummus or cream cheese, and entire pizza, followed by a pint of ice cream. Other foods I loved to binge on where pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, oreos, chocolate chip cookies, starbucks breakfast sandwiches (because I got them free), chocolate bars, and rice or quinoa with peanut butter, soy sauce, and sriracha. I would often eat until my stomach was bloated and couldn't move. I never made myself throw up, so my digestive tract would be wrecked for days after a particularly heavy binge (or the first one after a dieting cycle)..
Why am I writing this all on the internet, for anyone and their mothers who wants to, to read it?
I just feel like being honest. This is my personal blog, first of all, where I share about my life and lifestyle and in the spirit of being honest and not ashamed of the struggles we face .. I felt like coming on here and writing about it.
And also to say that I am fucking tired. Tired of wanting to look like a supermodel because that is what I see on tv (some of you may think .. yeah but you don't even try .. not even a little bit .. that doesn't mean in my mind that desire wasn't there, but I just gave up .. ) tired of constantly thinking about food, what I can or cannot eat, when Im going to eat, how much, etc. I just want to eat healthy!
I know I have said this so many times before but as I said before I am clearly still working on it.
Since starting a relationship with a guy that I really like, the pressure I have put on myself to lose weight and work out has been immense. I actually was able to "keep it together" on my diet better than most times because I had a little extra motivation, ( I didn't want to look fat in front of my man :) But I still lost it a few times and binged. It came to the point where I was feeling so much pressure to diet when I was with him, and so much relief from binging because I was not trying to control myself or constantly dreaming about the food I "couldn't" eat, that I made the decision in my mind to end the relationship.
I explained to him (vaguely .. very very vaguely) that I felt like a "burden was lifted off my shoulders" when we weren't hanging out, but never really went into the detail of what I was going through. I had mentioned (again, vaguely) before that I had some struggles with food, but I completely omitted the fact that I still deal with them on a day to day basis.
He said I was being "disappointingly vague" and that maybe we should take some time apart if I felt like that. I was so sad. I mean, this is what I thought would be the best thing for me until it was said and done. The idea of losing such a great friend and lover because I could not be honest about what I was going through, and show a little more courage in dealing with my issues was devastating.
I said I wanted to hang out, and committed to not being on a diet. I am still committing to eat healthy, enough, and what I want. It's hard for my mind to deal with because I know I will not lose weight as fast as if I am not eating enough. But I know that If I just consistently ate healthy and stayed active doing the things I love to do my body would naturally "even out" to a healthy and appropriate weight for me.
So that is my goal, my intention. To eat when I am hungry, eat enough and not be on a diet!
Sofie K.
With love, peace and self-acceptance.
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