Some things show you exactly where you are at ...

This post is honest and not sugar-coated. At least I will try to be.

Some situations tend to show you exactly where you are at in terms of your behaviors, patterns, and belief systems. Something that you thought you had "let go" of may pop up in the most unexpected of places to let you know that your work in that area is not yet completed. (Will it ever be?) I'm not sure.

The fact that I was very intensely shown last week how much more work I have to do and how much more courage I have to express on my journey of finding a healthy, balanced relationship to food and my body was neither unexpected, nor had I thought I had "let go" completely.

This realization though, seemed to present me with a re-occurring opportunity that was more clear than ever before: make the choice to do something different this time!

As I expressed to my dear roommate Julie, since the age of about 14 or 15 I have either been on a diet (severely restricting my caloric intake; even if I was eating - I was not eating enough,) during which the pressure of dieting mentally exhausted me, emotionally drained me, and physically made me feel better about my appearance, but would often leave me sluggish and lethargic, or in a binge eating cycle, where I would eat as much food as I could possibly get my hands on, not restricting what I ate, when, and how much. (I never went back to eating non-seafood meat though, since I cut it out in 2010.)

 There where many days that I didn't eat until 2 or 4 p.m, and then only once. There where weeks when I only ate raw food, drinking mostly juice. (I still totally believe in the power of raw food and juice cleansing - but only for health reasons (in my case) and  if for weight loss, only with a healthy mindset and outlook towards food and body image. ) During this part of the cycle I usually started feeling better and better about my appearance. My puffy cheeks (from salt, processed foods, and dairy)  would sink in, exposing my cheekbones, which I love. My stomach would feel and look flatter, and depending on how long I could keep myself sane in this cycle of restriction, I would begin to see and feel my hip bones.

On the "downward" slide of the roller coaster, in a binge eating cycle, during I which lost or (more recently) chose to allow myself a sense of total loss of self-control in terms of what I would allow myself to eat. And because I knew that soon I would have to begin restricting myself again, I tried to get "as much in" while I was giving myself the freedom. There where many times when I ate 5 or 6 bagels with hummus or cream cheese, and entire pizza, followed by a pint of ice cream. Other foods I loved to binge on where pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, oreos, chocolate chip cookies, starbucks breakfast sandwiches (because I got them free), chocolate bars, and rice or quinoa with peanut butter, soy sauce, and sriracha. I would often eat until my stomach was bloated and couldn't move. I never made myself throw up, so my digestive tract would be wrecked for days after a particularly heavy binge (or the first one after a dieting cycle)..

Why am I writing this all on the internet, for anyone and their mothers who wants to, to read it?

I just feel like being honest. This is my personal blog, first of all, where I share about my life and lifestyle and in the spirit of being honest and not ashamed of the struggles we face .. I felt like coming on here and writing about it.

And also to say that I am fucking tired. Tired of wanting to look like a supermodel because that is what I see on tv (some of you may think .. yeah but you don't even try  .. not even a little bit .. that doesn't mean in my mind that desire wasn't there, but I just gave up .. ) tired of constantly thinking about food, what I can or cannot eat, when Im going to eat, how much, etc. I just want to eat healthy!

I know I have said this so many times before but as I said before I am clearly still working on it.

Since starting a relationship with a guy that I really like, the pressure I have put on myself to lose weight and work out has been immense. I actually was able to "keep it together" on my diet better than most times because I had a little extra motivation, ( I didn't want to look fat in front of my man :) But I still lost it a few times and binged. It came to the point where I was feeling so much pressure to diet when I was with him, and so much relief from binging because I was not trying to control myself or constantly dreaming about the food I "couldn't" eat, that I made the decision in my mind to end the relationship.

I explained to him (vaguely .. very very vaguely) that I felt like a "burden was lifted off my shoulders" when we weren't hanging out, but never really went into the detail of what I was going through. I had mentioned (again, vaguely) before that I had some struggles with food, but I completely omitted the fact that I still deal with them on a day to day basis.

He said I was being "disappointingly vague" and that maybe we should take some time apart if I felt like that. I was so sad. I mean, this is what I thought would be the best thing for me until it was said and done. The idea of losing such a great friend and lover because I could not be honest about what I was going through, and show a little more courage in dealing with my issues was devastating.

I said I wanted to hang out, and committed to not being on a diet. I am still committing to eat healthy, enough, and what I want. It's hard for my mind to deal with because I know I will not lose weight as fast as if I am not eating enough. But I know that If I just consistently ate healthy and stayed active doing the things I love to do my body would naturally "even out" to a healthy and appropriate weight for me.

So that is my goal, my intention. To eat when I am hungry, eat enough and not be on a diet!

Sofie K.
With love, peace and self-acceptance. 

Breathing Space: Discovery Exercise 1 of 12

I am embarking on a breath-work journey for positive personal transformation, inspired by a book I recently picked up at the library: Breathing Space by Katrina Repka and Alan Finger. My main intentions for doing breath-work are: to increase my sense of peace and well-being, learn more about my self and what I am going through (specifically in the areas related to food, eating, body-image, self-worth, and self-esteem), increase oxygen in my body, pain relief (sore muscles from exercise), and to observe my mind and ego at work.

Please join me on this journey of self-discovery through breath work if you are intrigued; there are so many benefits !

Here are 18 benefits of breathing exercises (from onepowerfulword.com) :
If you are already convinced, scroll past these to get to the exercise!

1. Breathing detoxifies and releases toxins
2. Releases tension
3. Relaxes the mind/body and brings clarity
4. Relieves Emotional Stress

5. Relieves Pain
6. Massages your organs
    The movement of the diaphragm during the deep breathing exercises massages the stomach, small intestine, liver, and pancreas. The upper movement of the diaphragm also massages the heart. When you inhale air your diaphragm descends and your abdomen will expand. By this action you massage vital organs and improve circulation in them. Controlled breathing also strengthens and tones your abdominal muscles. 
7. Breathing increases muscle
8. Strengthens the immune system
9. Deep breathing improves posture (and visa versa!)
10. Improves quality of the blood
11. Increases digestion and assimilation of food
12. Improves the nervous system
13. Strengthens the lungs
14. Makes the heart stronger.
15. Assists in weight control
16. Boosts energy levels and improves stamina
17. Improves cellular regeneration
18. Elevates moods and combats physical pain

Breath Focus 1: DISCOVERY
"If you practice this exercise every day for two weeks, you will soon be more aware of your breathing patterns. You will find that they may change according to the time of day and your emotional state. The exercise can be done whenever you like: try experimenting with it at different times of the day. By studying the breath, you will learn to identify when you breathing is not working to your best advantage. This self-study (svadyaya in Sanskrit) is the essence of the yogic practice; through svadyaya you can begin to identify the patterns and tendencies that are keeping you bound up inside, and find the freedom that is yoga. As you practice with the breath, you will experience changes particular to you: they might be subtle at first, and you may not notice them immediately, but the more you practice, the more control you will gain over your breathing - and eventually over your life. The breath is a powerful tool. If you have not worked with it before, be prepared to experience some unusual side effects: as the breath moves inside you for the first few times, you may become emotional. Or you may simply fall asleep. Your body is responding. Big changes are coming. The journey is just beginning."

Because I love you so much ;) I have recorded the exercise so that you may simply play it back, listen to me giving the instructions, relax, and enjoy! If you prefer to read along, I have also typed out the instructions below.

(Almost all breathing techniques in yoga are done through the nose. If you are stuffed up, you can do this exercise with your mouth slightly open.)

Copy & Paste this link to listen to this exercise: http://soundcloud.com/sofiakovalenko/breath-exercise-1-discovery

Time: 10-15 minutes
Props: (optional) Bolster, Pillow, Eye Pillow

1. Find a quiet place, free from distraction. 

2. Lie down on your back. If your lower back feels sensitive, bend your knees (you can place them over a bolster or pillow, if you have one handy.) 

3. Close your eyes, and if you like, place and eye pad over them.

4. Start to breathe in and out through your nose, becoming aware of your breath. Without judging it in any way, notice how the breath moves in your body. Where does it begin and end? Is it fast or slow? What pattern does it make as it enters and leaves?

5. Notice the composition of your breath. Is it smooth and even? Short and choppy? Deep or shallow? Hard or soft? When you inhale, does your torso expand or contract? What happens when you exhale?

6. If you become aware at any point that your mind has wandered, gently draw your attention back to the breath.

7.  Now place one hand on your belly, and one hand on your chest. Bring your awareness to your chest. Do you feel your breath expanding both your chest and upper back as you breathe in? Do your ribs also flare out to the sides? Are there any areas where your breath is unable to move freely?

8. Bring your awareness to your belly. As you breathe in, do you feel the front of your belly lifting? Do you feel the breath causing movement in your lower back? What about your pelvic floor: can you feel it moving with your breath?

9. Are there any other descriptions of your breath that come to mind? Feel free to be creative.

10. Take a few minutes to continue your exploration, then slowly and gently roll to one side and come back up to a seated position.

In-JOY!


Personally, I plan to do this exercise 3 times a day for the next 2 weeks: once upon waking, once mid-day, and once right before bed. I will update the blog about any insights, revelations, and realizations I have and I encourage you to do the same in a journal, a blog, or just consciously think about what experiences you have during these first few weeks of Discovery.

For even more inspiration and mind-body-heart integration, go ahead and to do this yoga podcast, seriously, it is worth it! 

http://friendlyuniverseyoga.com/wp-content/uploads/HolyHips.mp3
For more amazing podcasts, visit www.friendlyuniverseyoga.com

Then, watch this amazing TEDx talk by yoga teacher Shannon Paige:

Love, peace, and awareness,

Sofie K.

make-up free living :)

Earlier this summer I made the decision to throw away all my make up. I hardly wore it anyways this past year, but to completely throw it all away was still a pretty big step for me. Although they where few and far between, there where still days when I whipped out the mascara or liquid liner in moments of insecurity.

To see all my make-up in the trash was both liberating and frightening. I was symbolically vowing to take even more effort to accept myself exactly the way I am, even if I have learned to like the way I look with "thicker, fuller lashes ;)" I was anticipating that it would be difficult to have absolutely no crutch to lean on, though, but made a promise to work through any moments when I felt I needed to wear make-up. I knew I would be stronger for it.

Well guess what. I haven't had any moments like that. Of course some days my self esteem has been higher than others, but over all I feel like my confidence is steadily increasing daily. Why? Because I have been learning to accept and love myself for exactly who I am and want to be, instead of what I think others want me to be like. (Notice that I said "what I think others want me to be like" instead of "what others want me to be like." What we think others want from us is (much of the time) just projections from our own minds that are extremely telling of how we believe we should be like, and has nothing to do with what the others want from us at all. The people in your life who truly love you could not care less if you are wearing make-up, a burlap sack or a banana suit ;))) (Although they may worry that you will freeze your ass off parading around in a burlap sack.) I digress.

 I haven't missed the make-up at all.

The thing about make-up is (I never used to leave the house without it), when you wear it every day you get used to seeing your face with make-up on only, and you become disconnected from the face behind the make-up. It is a stranger, unfamiliar, and we often forget that in its simplicity and purity, it too is beautiful. The lips still sing sweetly without firetruck red lipstick, the cheeks still blush when you see the one you love, and the eyes shine and radiate affection, understanding, and honesty, never missing that pound of eye liner and shadow.

If you choose to be a television watcher, a magazine reader, or a driver on any interstate planted with billboards, you are constantly being bombarded with make-uped, photoshopped, edited images of women among whom there are hardly (if ever) any examples of natural beauty. And yes, they are beautiful too, but they are not real.  I could go on and on about how much cosmetics and other body altering companies profit by manipulating you to feel like you are not good enough, naturally, but at the end of the day it is you who must decide for yourself that you do not need to change yourself in any way to be accepted more by others, and most importantly to accept and love yourself. 

There I have done it. I am placing the responsibility back on us to begin loving ourselves raw and un-altered. You don't look better with make-up on, you just look more like every other girl on the streets and in the media. You, unchanged, are unique, and I hope someday you will know it, believe it, and own it, like I am very much beginning to do.

I love you for exactly what you are and am wishing for you the best day ever! Today, and the next day and the next day and the next day after that.

Finally, I would like to give a public thanks to my Mom, who hardly ever wears make-up and is constantly (although I rarely tell her this) inspiring me to be stronger by being a consistent example of an empowered woman with high self esteem. Thanks Mama!

With love, care, and empathy,
Sofie K.

P.S. It is awesome to take no time at all to get ready in the morning and feel good about how you look too!


P.P.S. Not ready to completely ditch the make-up, but want to start making steps to empower yourself and begin to be comfortable in your skin? Start participating in Makeup-Less Mondays, where once a week you commit to wearing no makeup at all, all day long. It's kindof a thing, Google it ;) Much love to you sisters! (and brothers!)

"To be beautiful is to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others.
You need to accept yourself."

Internet Cleanse

Too much internet time. Too much mind-distracting from facing difficulties that arise within it.

I should take a break from surfing the webs. I dislike TV (most of the time), yet I use the internet in the same way.

So what am I trying to achieve? A more honest, genuine, easy conversation between myself and my mind to gain depth in understanding to what is really going on in there. What are really the motivations behind my thoughts, actions, re-actions. I want to change some of those things and in order to do that I need to fully understand why I do them in the first place right?

I want to become intimately interested in everything about my-self and that means going deep. That means confronting the hardest ugliest most stubborn parts of me and sitting down together like two dear friends, catching up. Asking how they are doing. Actually listening. Not thinking that I already know. Not assuming.

Ok.


Sofie K. 

Zion Beach, Illinois 2012

Me, motoring the paddle board as Princess Solomia
guides the voyage.

Zion Beach State Park, Illinois

This post is coming to the blog a bit late, but I am remembering what a fun few days my family and I had at Zion Beach State Park in Illinois.

For the first outing, we took Solomia (one of two beautiful cousins), my Dad and Grandma. We had fun doing handstands, being mermaids, and taking turns on Dad's paddle board. Me and Solomia also took turns being the paddle board motor... hehe.

The second time it was Grandma, Me, Mom, and Dad. A nice day in the sunshine, and the waves got big that day! I tried surfing, fell. Tried again. Repeat, a lot. It was awesome. Never really "surfed" a wave on that huge paddle board, maybe I will get the hang of it next summer ;)

Life is a Beach, no?

Paddle Board Warrior Queen

Grandma, Me, and Mama :)

Mama and Tato (Dad) having silly beach fun :)

The silliness will not cease :P

More Silliness :))))))

Grandma and I, first a water cleanse. Then, a sand and hot stone beach massage :)

Mom and I <3

Cousin Love. Me and Solomia. 

So Much LOVE at the Beach. Who created this beautiful message?

I am going to visit my family again in a few weeks. It's going to be so fun!

Earthy Juice and Waking Up Early :)

Green Apple!
Romaine!
Spinach!
Carrot!
Green Grape!
Lemon!
Celery!

Raw Juice!
YUM!

I have been eating better and going to sleep early (between 8:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m.) and have been waking up on my own at about 7 in the morning. (And feeling mostly fanfreakingtastic!) I've even felt a lot less crampy on my menstrual cycle this time around, and although I know not working during it has a lot to do with it, I am super thankful to my moon cup and all the fruits and veggies in my body that I know are helping too!

I am moved into Julie's driveway :) and Shadow is having a fun time chasing the new cat in the house (We have a 4th roommate for the month of October who has brought two cats with her :), while Moon insists that he play with him all day.

The furniture is all moved out of the "living room," which has been transformed into a beautiful yoga/meditation space, which I am excited to finally utilize today. (Yoga, especially during the first 2-3 days of my flow is usually a major no.)

Yesterday Julie and I did a huge Costco run and picked up a cart full of fresh, raw, mostly organic produce :) Holy grapes, raspberries, blackberries, apples, romaine, spinach, carrots, celery, etc. etc. etc. We created a beautiful juice last night that was one of the two best juices I had ever made! Amazing how something turns out so delicious when you are making it to share with someone you love!

Feeling good and this house feels like a home :) Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I am glad to have moved in to our little nook in Gypsum a month early! It would be swell if the Blu Ox was still starting, but maybe that is just another lesson I had to learn: If you buy a vehicle from 1979, you better be a mechanic ;) or dating one ... 

Peace & Love
Sofie K

The Energies of the Earth and Moon are mirrored in our wombs and the cycles of our womanhood.

"Did you know that every woman is born with every egg she will ever have? Tucked deep inside the crevices of our tiny bodies, waiting patiently for our maturity, these eggs form in our ovaries when we are just three months past conception, still living peacefully in the perfect environment of our mother's womb. In essence, when your mother was a babe in your grandmother, you were a seed within her, an egg within her cells, listening to your grandmother's heartbeat. Much like the sea embraces the Earth, our bodies embrace our wombs. Our wombs are our centers, and they do far more than produce babies - they give birth to the power that is in us. The rhythms of the universe, the ebb and flow of the tides of life, and the energies of the Earth and Moon are mirrored in our wombs and the cycles of our womanhood." From Womb and Uterine Health in Rosemary Gladstar's Family Herbal: A Guide to Living Life with Energy, Health, and Vitality. 

Today this beautiful quote and book was shared with me by a dear friend, and now I share it with you.

An example of the monthly calendar where
the pink days are period days, and the striped
days are the next predicted period. The day
marked with the flower is the predicted
ovulation date. 

A screenshot of the temp.
chart with no data entered in.
As you can see, there are
small ads on the bottom, but
they are not too intrusive.

I would also like to share a really great app I found for smart phones called "Woman Log." Not only does this app track your monthly menstrual and ovulation cycles, but it also has an option where you can enter daily your waking temperature to more accurately track your ovulation dates. You can then view the temperatures as they change daily, or view them in a chart feature that spans the entire month. This can be used for NFP (Natural Family Planning), a natural form of birth control, or if you are, on the other hand, trying to conceive. (If you wish to use the temperature/chart feature you will need a basal thermometer which you should be able to get at most drugstores or online :)

The app has a beautiful and easy to use interface and different skins to choose from. Before I was using Period Tracker Lite, but switched to Woman Log because of the added features of being able to record and chart the changes in your temperature to predict ovulation. For a simple menstrual tracker, Period Tracker Lite is great and is very easy to use!

Thank You for stopping in sweet friend!
Have a wonderful day :)

XOXO
Sofie