Good Music !

I walked so far with Shadow today! It was amazing, but next time I will definitely wear different shoes - my feet hurt by the end ! Today I was rocking out to: The Mamas and the Papas Medicine for the People The Carpenters

Filter Systems and Relationships

I start this post with a quote:

"I talk a lot about clearing out our filter system in order to change our lives. Filter systems literally filter out certain information and in the process distort reality.

We either act or react to life. When we react we generally get results that are less than favorable.  It is only when we choose to act in a way that is consistent to what we want to create that we are truly free.

Be aware of your filters, be willing to change them and move toward greater and greater freedom.  The less we filter our reality the more we get to savor everything.

With love and aloha,
Susan"

Susan Gregg writes beautiful, thought-invoking daily
reflections which you can subscribe to HERE :) 


If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that I am actively trying to change the filter systems that no longer work for me and allow me to create a happy, abundant, free life. I usually refer to them as belief systems.

The belief (filter) systems I am most interested in letting go of, are the ones through which I hold on to insecurity.

"I am not good enough"

"I need _________ sort of body to be beautiful."

"I need to do __________, ___________,and _____________ to be accepted by others."

"I need to be accepted by others."

When I start changing these filter systems into ones that allow me to live a more free life, I notice that I often face having to let go of certain relationships that I had while holding limited belief (filter) systems.

Friends that I only used to drink with don't seem that fun anymore when I stopped drinking, and the friendships that lasted where clearly based on more than just drinking shenanigans.

Intimate relationships based mostly on the body or sex quickly began to seem like a complete waste of time.

It's probably because I haven't accepted myself as I am 100% yet, but I still buy into the filter system that tells me I have to look a certain way to be happy in a relationship (with a guy.) I KNOW that I shouldn't try to be anyone I'm not, especially for someone else, but I guess I'm still insecure about my body.

Sigh. There is probably a reason most of my former relationships where so unfulfilling   -  they where based on first, physical attraction, and second (if at all), emotional/mental connection.

I really think that in a relationship that both people are going to be happy in, the emotional and mental connection needs to come first, or at least be in balance with the physical connection.

Connecting on the physical level is so much easier though, because if you are "lucky" to be attractive (or can make yourself so) according to current popular ideas of attractiveness, finding someone to relate to is super easy. But superficial relationships suck, dude!

Anyways. I know I just need to work on being totally OK with being myself, and then the right friends and relationships will be easy to find. How can I expect to connect with someone on a deeper level when I have trouble being honest with myself a lot of the time?

So, to get back to those statements (belief/filter systems) I stated earlier, I will now change them to ones that I believe are of better use for me to believe.

"I am good enough, always."

"I accept my body at all times as it is :) My body is the vehicle for my consciousness and so I should seek to keep it healthy (strong, flexible, and nimble, fast, enduring) while disregarding popular opinion of beauty."

"I am myself and honest at all times, in front of myself, and others."

"I only need acceptance from myself."















Love and Abundant Freedom
Sofie

The Warrior Goddess

My dear friend L shared this painting on facebook today.

It is so amazing!

I love that the woman in this photo is fierce, daring, courageous, and proud. She looks like she just climbed a mountain and is basking in the bliss of "I can do ANYTHING!"

Another thing I especially love about this photo is her body - she is so beautiful and obviously strong and fit, yet she looks completely different than what most images in my mind and popular culture tell me "healthy" looks like.

She is beautiful and knows it. Maybe she doesn't even give any thoughts or meaning to being beautiful at all.

I've been feeling really good the past week.

I have been going on (almost) daily walks with Shadow, and have even worked out once and went to the outdoor Solaris yoga sesh.

I have been cooking for myself, and eating more salad. Actually, I have been including salad every day and have discovered am YUM-amazing Kale salad recipe :) which I will share soon.

I am also trying not to deny the things that I like, like sweets occasionally and fatty foods. (I've been eating at least 1/2 an avocado a day - and feeling really good! )

So I haven't had any real cravings for "junk food" yet so that will be interesting to experience when that does come up ...

The other day, though, my friend offered my some Chex Mix and guess what? I ate some, enjoyed it, and didn't feel bad about it :) It was a serious break through for me :) :) :)

I also made myself popcorn when I was craving something to munch on that was a bit salty; it was so good and reminded me of the popcorn nights with the ladies in Hawaii .

So anyways. Here I am. Just trying to be myself, love myself, accept myself, and be an f-ing WARRIOR GODDESS. Yep.

Love and Peace and Acceptance

Sofie

More Distractions

I had some people close to me visit recently and the truth came out. A truth I hide from so many people, and from myself as often as I can.

I am still very much in the deep muck of addiction. I am still so very insecure. I spend most of my time alone, on the internet, or sleeping, or eating food.

My visitors' solution? I need more distractions. More movies, more time with friends, more work, more this more that. They say "these are not distractions, this is life!" I don't see it that way.

I use food to distract myself from my insecurities - from the anger, guilt, shame, sadness, loneliness, and blame that I still very much hold (and hide) inside myself - and am working (slowly) to let go of. I don't think I need another distraction to distract myself from distraction.

I am content though - I am content going through this journey as slowly as it is taking me to learn the lessons that I need to learn. And I am not sorry that I am different and that I don't feel like I fit in with "most" people. I am not sorry that I am taking the time I need (alone) to find the courage to face my fears - something I need to face about my-self first.

I realized how much blame I still hold for my those close to me for what I am experiencing. In reality, I KNOW blame is use-less and that I am responsible for my own thoughts, actions, feelings, and especially re-actions that affect others, but only last week did I realize how strongly other people's actions and words still very much trigger the insecurities that I still buy into. It was a very good lesson to see the beliefs that I am still very much invested in and how much stress believing these beliefs causes me.

"I am not good enough" is the main one.

I am good enough though - and I don't have to fit into anyone else's mold of what "good enough" is to know that about myself - every single second of life.

Gosh, this ego is a trip eh? All it wants is to feel like its good enough, like it has purpose.

Ego, why do you need to be accepted? Why do you desire to be loved? To be good enough? Why do you crave purpose in life? Contribution to others? Why do you believe yourself to be so important, anyways?

Ego is the "self" - it is the lens through which we experience this life - and for now, I am accepting this as my reality. But I am seeing an insecure, wounded ego that I have built up over many years, one that seems to work against me more than for my well-being. Of course, that could also be simply an illusion because after all, I only think I know what is best for me most of the time.

And so with that thought, it seems this post has come full circle as I admit that I do not always know what is best for me, and so (some) distractions may be of actual benefit during this transition from an ego that I see as having been "asleep and unconscious" to an ego that is mindful and aware.

Although I still totally indulge in distractions such as movies, television shows, and internet (all over the internet) .. I really feel a need and desire to choose distractions that are not rooted in popular culture, not because I am seeking to be different and unique from popular culture, but because I simply do not find the role models, inspirations, and positive messages that speak to my heart (most of the time) in popular culture. Most of the time when I watch tv shows or even movies, I am deeply triggered into insecurity. Wanting to be thin and beautiful like the people I see on the screen, wanting to be a better dancer, better this better that.

Interesting to note this as well though, as it is interesting and very revealing to myself about the sub-conscious belief systems I am still holding on to while watching these triggers affect me in such a way.

I would like to feel more of a balance between distractions and mindfulness though, because as of now, my life is pretty much 90% distraction. When I am outside walking with Shadow or giving massage, or listening to someone speak something real about their experience (how they are really feeling, etc.), or writing about how I feel  or think,  I find that I can be the most mindful.

This is what just came up in my mind.

Love and Peace Always!
Sofie

Meditation

Meditated for 10 minutes yesterday and immediately felt a sense of clarity and peace. I began reading the book on meditation that I have, and my focus has been so much better than it has been lately when trying to read.

The book is really well written too, which helps.

During meditation I wasn't trying to clear my mind of all thoughts - instead I was just focusing on watching the mind as thoughts arose, trying not to engage with the thoughts.

I forgot my computer charger at Starbucks yesterday, and what a blessing that turned out to be! Before I even thought about using the internet, I spent some time cleaning up the house. By the time I was ready to veg out, I realized that I was missing the charger. It was funny to watch the mind re-act (almost in a panic) realizing that I wouldn't be able to use the internet ALL NIGHT. Man, I really am addicted ;) I had it all planned out already, I was going to make a big bowl of rice and sit down and waste time on the internet while binge eating. After I realized I couldn't use my computer, the craving for the food dissapeared almost completely as well. (I wasn't actually hungry - I just wanted to eat.) Interesting how these two things are so related for me.

Then I went to my room, layed down, and meditated. Victory!

(I read an article by a spiritual teacher that advised to repeat the mantra "Victory" when faced with difficulties.)

....

My parents come to town today - super excited to see them.

Beliefs

I find it so interesting how beliefs about reality literally seem to shape reality.

If people believe in God, they literally experience God and even have a "personal relationship" with God. I do not believe that these people are lying when they claim these things about their reality.

If people believe that people are stupid, they will literally find themselves surrounded by examples all the time that seem to prove their belief.

The people who believe that people are all innately good, though, seem to find only evidence of the goodness of people.

The mind is such a powerful and mysterious thing. But can we trust it at all?

Can we trust anything at all to be real or truth when we can perceive it only through our minds? Can we perceive only through our minds?

Maybe it's not even important to find "truth" but to invest in beliefs that have proven to have positive results. Such as compassion and love.

Do I think too much? Maybe. It's fun for me though :)

Sofie K

droplets - A Poem

droplets

the moment I left I forgot who I was
did you think about me?
did you feel a part of you leave?
was there a reason that you let me go?
let me fly?
at first there were no boundaries
I could have been everywhere all at once
lost















eventually I had forgotten where I came from
and I wandered for eternities
I thank you for guiding me back
a push, I felt
a pull
a force, reminding me
up towards the heavens
where trillions of others like me gathered
wondering
where we fated to return ?
to remember you once more?
or dissolve and continue afloat?
it was up to us
whether we took the leap
plunging ten thousand feet
hoping
to be re-united with our Source
maybe a river that eventually led there
one little droplet jumped
and became the entire ocean

Love and Smiles Forever
Sofie K.